"Loneliness has become my drug. I cannot do without it. Not to be mistaken with solitude, a state of isolation you consciously choose, healthy and often serves as a peaceful break from the routine. Longing for loneliness on the other hand is driven by something that lies deep within and most of the time not under one's control. I enjoy the moments I spend alone keeping myself busy with work and if not, thoughts. Presence of someone else around me seems to irritate me. I choose to lock myself in my room only to contemplate on how it would have been otherwise. I seem to hold myself back even when I converse, keeping all my affairs, worries and little details of my life just to myself. Is keeping things to oneself a form of dishonesty too? Not lying or manipulating the details but not revealing it at all. Have I been dishonest to everyone in my life? What is the definition of honesty, anyway? No matter how big a problem might seem, I never want to bother others asking for help and prefer handling it on my own. It sure creates an air of mystery around me, well, secrecy to be exact but this sure is the cause of all evils in my relationships be it romantic or platonic. I long for human connections, I do but maintaining them is something I have not learned. Often I find myself wondering why I have no one around me, even just to casually enquire and check how I have been holding up. Later realizing how, no one but, I, myself have pushed away anyone who has tried to reach out. In the process, ruining years of friendship and connections. The thought of breaking something as beautiful as a 9 year long relationship gave me a strange feeling of satisfaction I cannot explain. As if it rid me off a feeling of guilt. I have always known that particular person is the only constant being in my life who is willing to give his all just to see me happy. Yet I let him go, hoping he finds someone better and well suited for him. Perhaps a part of me always believed that the existence of something like that in my life is too good to be true and I do not deserve him or anyone, for that matter, as my lover. A state of misery I have called upon myself and the feeling of sadness and avoidance that follows, all my creation. But it strangely sparks in me a weird sense of creativity, helps my imagination grow and create a world of my own, all inside my head. And as I sit back and introspect, I can point out a few things which might have led to me to becoming the person I have become. But I cannot just blame those tragic state of affairs so as to justify my behavior, actions. I grew up withdrawn and detached, yes but if I wish to, I can still turn things around, one conscious decision, one baby step at a time. I have been told, no one can help the person who doesn't seek for it. True. And I am yet to find out if I want to be rescued. Am I mentally ill or is it a phase that will pass? I do not have the answer."
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